No eating in ops!
by Trekdisco
Summary: Finding Kira munching under her console is the least of the Niners' problems when Zek declares a feast. S1.


No eating in ops!

Finding Kira munching under her console is the least of the Niners' problems when Zek declares a feast.

When I wrote this story I set it season 1. Try to imagine it like a sitcom with daft sound effects etc. Hopefully this'll cause even just a small smile on your face… (And can you spot the hidden jokes? I had great fun putting them in!)

Trek belongs to Paramount and I own none of it, just my parodies! I don't intend offense to anyone.

_Here we go…_

Jadzia walked into ops to see Sisko looking under the centre table. "Err, Ben?" Dax was confused. "Ow!" yelled the Cmdr, banging his head on the top. He slid out, rubbing it. "Yes Dax," he responded. "What are you doing?" Jadzia asked. "Looking for Kira," Sisko replied grumpily, "Have you seen her today?" "No, as a matter of fact I came here to ask you if you'd seen her." "I saw her walk into ops and, after I'd turned my back, she was gone. Well, she's certainly not under there." He pointed to the table. "Maybe she was beamed off," suggested Dax. "By who?" answered Ben, "No ships have docked for days." "I don't know," There was silence when suddenly they heard a chomping sound. "What's that?" Sisko wondered. They followed it and found Kira under a console, her breakfast on her lap. "What are you doing here?" Jadzia said, surprised. "It was too noisy in the bar," she explained, "I couldn't handle it."

"You can't eat in ops!" Ben retorted, "It could get in the machinery." "Sorry," Kira said back, "It was the only place on the station that's quiet." This was true; you could barely hear yourself think today.

She finished her food and, wiping her mouth, went to a console. "Message for you from the grand Nagus," she reported to Sisko, "He wants a little talk." "What?" Ben wondered what he wanted. He rushed to the screen and, after a long chat, looked astounded. "A feast?" he repeated, "Zek wants a _feast_!? He wants to celebrate his birthday _here_!?" He collapsed on the panel. "Alert Quark," he groaned to Kira, wondering what in space was wrong with the Nagus. Oh, wait, trick question…

The bar was in chaos. Ferengi rushed around with tons of food, sometimes crashing into each other or spilling it on the floor. Quark was in the middle, giving orders. "Dim, mind Dum! There's a hole in your bag, Fool! MAD! Don't eat the dung beetles! Twit, that's a Dalek gun, not a whisk! DALEKS?! This is Star Trek not Dr who! Dunce, no fighting! ROM! Get here now!" His shouts echoed all over the promenade and as far as some people were concerned you could hear it in the gamma quadrant. ("What's that racket?" said Weyoun.) Rom stumbled as he rushed to his brother, dropping eggs all over the counter. Quark was not amused. Ever since Zek had suddenly announced his visit to DS9, everybody was kept busy. He'd ordered a banquet on the double and preparing it at such short notice was a nightmare. Nobody was sure if they could clean up in time or even get the meal ready. Guests had started arriving already and a constant hubbub soon drowned out Quark's cries.

Even more bad, idiotic Ferengi tried to steal equipment and were all caught by Odo, their presence filling the brig. The station overflowed and, just when it looked like it couldn't get any worse, the changeling ran into Lwaxana. "There you are, honey," she cooed. Odo almost died on the spot.

The Nagus was coming at 18:00 and time quickly ran out. O'Brien was up to his ears in broken replicators, Bashir had his hands full after a fight and the others ended up in a flour incident. They were sat in the bar when all of a sudden everything went white. ("Grump!" Quark had yelled, "Mind the counter-")

Dax had only just finished washing when Zek arrived, alongside his walking stick. He rudely commented on Kira's [rather pale] hair and demanded that the dinner began. "Where's your dress uniform?" Sisko asked Julian. "I…I…lost it," Bashir replied guiltily. Ben wasn't pleased. They walked into the bar and found a seat at the table.

An image of Gul Dukat in a pink tutu flashed through Nerys' head. Ferengi in LOUD 70s disco outfits, the crew of DS9 doing a circus (Quark being the clown), Klingons hugging teddies…

"Wake up," said a voice. Kira felt herself being shaken. "W…w…what happened?" she mumbled, realising she'd just had a dream. "You fell asleep during the Nagus' speech," the friendly tone of Jadzia answered. The Major started to remember it all- the disorder, Zek's birthday meal, his dull talk. In fact, that moment it finished, cheers erupting. The feast began and Dax spread out a napkin on her lap. "What was it about?" Nerys enquired. "The usual," Jadzia smiled, "Profit. What else?"

For a starter, there was a green, unappetising soup. "What is this?" Kira wondered. "I think its field louse stew," Dax replied. Then, to Nerys' horror, she had some. "Mmnn," she said, "Delicious!" She ate more. Kira pushed her bowl forward.

The main course consisted of a variety of different meats and plants, most of which looked horrible. Jadzia was eating a few bugs, some horrid-looking vegetables and the leg of some beast off planet Zog. Nerys nibbled her fruit slowly, the sight of her friend's food disturbing. Oh, the stuff Ferengi ate! It made her stomach churn.

She noticed Odo with a face that said, 'Help!' sat with Mrs Troi, who was also devouring the revolting cuisine. She knew the changeling was glad he didn't eat.

Her gaze came to Quark who was shoving his food in like manners hadn't been invented, and he wasn't as bad as the others. She nearly threw up at the sight of them gobbling their grub. They stuffed it in, dribbling all over the table. There was a big mess where they were sat.

Jake and Nog sat chatting and laughing, not having eaten much. They were too busy talking. Kira was happy they were enjoying it but she thought it was the worst dinner she'd ever had.

Finally pudding came. Nerys hoped it wasn't something like beetle ice cream or louse cake and luckily this time she saw some nice dishes. However, while dessert went on a problem arose. Troi was sat near the Nagus and wasn't pleased to see him lean over her plate to get to the blood flea surprise. She was even more cross when he spilt some on her pie. Before anyone could stop her she picked up her dish and thrust it splat in Zek's face. There were shrieks from all over the bar.

The Nagus stood there, cream dripping off his head. He took a Ferengi mud pie and shoved it at the ambassador. It missed and hit Quark, who wasn't thrilled. Before long he'd thrown one back and a raging war began at the table. Kira ducked as pastries, cakes and other goodies whizzed through the air. One got Dax head on and she dived away too, wiping sauce off her face.

Odo quickly slithered off while Lwaxana flung a pudding at some random person. It landed on Sisko who realised why his first officer was under the table.

The fight continued, sweets being chucked aimlessly in all directions as nobody knew what side they were on or even if there were any sides. O'Brien was shot at by Ferengi and he bent just in time, the food splattering the dart board. Bashir battled with some Bolians as they tossed cakes, using a tray as a shield. He hurled drinks at them, making them soaked. He hid behind the bar counter as they dashed about while Jake and Nog got into the holosuite.

Kira and Dax didn't stay secret for long. A few wild Bajorans discovered them and they had to switch hiding places. They ran for the kitchen door, joining Julian briefly, and found themselves struggling to get it open. Jadzia pulled and pulled but it wouldn't budge. Nerys attacked it with one of Quark's huge knives and finally it undid. They dived inside, colliding with a pile of pots and pans. CRASH!

Metal whatevers hit the walls with a loud 'CLANG!' and Kira, thinking she'd been got by some crazy monster, started using the knife as a sword.

The kitchen got even noisier. Bashir escaped the madness and slipped inside, only to find it was even worse in there. Dax was being chased round the floor in a mess of cutlery and broken plates by Nerys, who seemed to think she was a giant saucepan. She sliced the blade through the air, somehow always missing Jadzia. Dax leapt behind the fridge, Kira following. In _Tom and Jerry_ style she chopped it in half, Jadzia yet again in danger. They continued running around and Dax used whatever she could find to defend herself. After chucking every bowl, fork, spoon and cup in sight at her, she found herself in a corner, Nerys pursuing fast. The knife flew at her and she ducked just in time, it sticking in the wall above her. The Major calmed down, realizing it was just her friend. "Jadzia!?" she said, not sure what to think. "Yes," the Trill replied, dusting herself off. "I'm…sorry." Kira was very embarrassed.

Jake and Nog raced out the holosuite when a bunch of crazy Klingons decided to fight with bat'leths instead of sandwiches. Already they were chopping each other up.

The two boys slid into the kitchen and ran into Julian pushing him over. He grabbed a cupboard and the door flew open. Flour, sugar and salt rained down on the five victims. Jake wandered blindly through the storm and found what he thought was the exit. He tugged it hard and found it was the fridge. Unluckily he'd pulled it way too much and eggs, ham, yogurt, apples, milk, oranges, ketchup etc attacked him next. The whiteness cleared and his friends stood there, looking like snowmen. He, however, looked like a snowman that had driven through a rainbow.

Nog wiped his ears, the mixture falling to the floor. Nerys went to the sink and began washing herself. Everyone followed and tried to get clean. But when mixed with aqua the blend turned into weak glue that was rather hard to get off if you weren't submerged in water. Frustration filled the room and after Nog tried to climb into the basin it was time for a bath. Dax headed for the exit but ran into a ton of obstacles once she was outside. The Furious Food Fight was on, worse than ever.

Troi tackled Zek, flinging gagh at him. Various unnamed aliens battled with kitchen utensils like swords. People were hiding in the silliest places as not to get caught in the struggle. Under the counter were now Rom and a girl, who didn't look too happy. Rom was going; "Moooooogie!" in a ridiculous way and the lady tried to sooth him.

Jadzia dived out the way as a splatter of bread crumbs appeared and joined them. By this time it wasn't a harmless wrestle but war. The only problem was, would it stop?

Luckily it did. The Nagus suddenly whipped out a knife and held it over Lwaxana. She shrieked and, just in time, was rescued. "Thank you very much," her hero said to Zek, "Let's see what the Ferengi council think of your actions." It was Odo, who escorted the squirming troll out the room. The fight ended and everyone came out of hiding. Quark was found hanging on a light, how he got on the ceiling was a mystery, and five snow-white people staggered out the kitchen, leaving a trail of flour behind them. They went off to have a shower. Last of all, Sisko clambered out from underneath a table in the holosuite. Security officers picked up the remains of a dozen Klingons and took them away. Straightening his uniform, the Cmdr strolled out the bar, stepping over the mess covering the floor. He didn't know how he was gonna get it tidy again.

Life returned to normal afterwards. The bar was clean (eventually) and, after the crew had recovered, they were back at their stations.

One day O'Brien walked into ops, wondering where Bashir was. "Have you seen him?" he asked Dax, Kira and Sisko. They all shook their heads before hearing a munching sound. Of course, the doctor was sat under a console eating his breakfast. "It was too noisy in the bar," he claimed. However, it was then that a message came through. It was the grand Nagus, who requested a party on the station for muff: the Ferengi festival of bugs. The crew didn't need telling. They dropped everything and screamed, "NOOOOO!"

The End


End file.
